Dap the Cat
❝ It's like magic, but its always been a smoke and mirrors game ❞
i'm Kolzar/Dapbuns/Shi and sometimes I draw stuff. But here i just reblog shit and talk about how much i suck

I am so not ready mentally or physically to come back to classes

honestly don’t bother clicking the read more. It’s just a stupid and really huge wall of rant that I need to put out

but I can’t stand staying home either right now ugh why does family has to make simple stupid things so stupidly difficult? Bloody fucking hell it’s so hard to stick to the people you love and fucking obey their stupid shitty orders. You do it strictly because you love them with your life and they’re the only ones you have, but it doesn’t change that they being huge ass jerks hurts you profoundly

man I just

I haven’t even got my stuff packed for class and I can’t even do that right now I’ll have to do it late at night with people complaining on my ear because I’m apparently some huge irresponsible shithead

this doesn’t help me with my self-esteem problem at all fuckslgkdg

honestly I lose track of whether it’s them making it difficult or if it’s me, I don’t believe in myself enough to even stand up for myself in front of my own parents because I’m too shit scared of them. My dad is apparently getting depressed now and he’s wasting it on me for some reason. I feel like such a bothersome pile of shit in everyone’s way that I feel they would all be way better off without me around, even if those people themselves may not think so right now.

I seriously feel horrible in all sorts of unspeakable ways I just kind of created this huge grudge over myself over the years and now it’s pratically fully formed and it’s unbearable to get along with myself. I lost reason to try being confident because I don’t think I have anything that is worth anyone’s time, and I don’t see a point in trying anymore because no matter how much I do it’s never enough. Not enough for my family, not enough for the people around and not enough for me.

I do my best to appreciate myself and to convince my head that I’m not such scum   but it doesn’t work. It’s almost as if my self-hate grew to become something apart from what I feel. I want to hurt myself not because I like pain, or because I think I can commit suicide that way, but because I think I deserve pain and suffering because I’m horrible and stupid. I want myself to die and to die painfully because I want to rid myself from this place and bring relief to the people who have to stand me. All those feelings are like a two ton weight on my back whenever I’m going to do anything for myself. 

This month went entirely like this whenever I wasn’t watching a film or a cartoon. It was the most miserable and unproductive time of my life and it couldn’t be that way ever. I had plans, I had to study and I had to make art. I wanted to study Italian. I wanted to do useful things I never had time for during school period. Yet all I did was feel worse each day and drown myself in useless info to distract myself. I WASTED FUCKING PRECIOUS TIME AND TIME IS FUCKING PRECIOUS TO ME. This feels like the worst disaster for me. I live on a tight schedule. Weekends are mostly my only days free and yet I know that’ll be over too. I have to travel from a city to another everyday, back and forth. It’s tiring. It’s not easy and it eats up a lot of time I could use to build my future and my dreams. I don’t want to study because my parents keep being on my tail because I don’t study enough for their standards, even though my grades are good. Everything my whole life was based on is falling apart in little crumbles and pieces. My relationship with my dad, my mom, my sis, my relatives, the very few irl friends I have and the friends I met on the internet. Even drawing has become pointless to me because it brings me happiness and I don’t feel worth of being happy. Drawing used to be my greatest escape route in situations like these but it’s slowly being taken away from my hands and it feels like a nightmare.

I want to do things that make me happy because I want to get out of this. I don’t want to be a useless piece of shit laying around feeling sorry for itself. But I feel like I lack the energy. The power of will. I feel haunted, scared, mad. I am back to having sessions with my psychologist and my routine will be back to normal. That’s the last stoke of hope I have left besides my internet friends. I don’t really wish to die if I could choose by myself. I have so many places to see and so many people to meet. I want to be happy. Yet part of me doesn’t want to allow me. Everytime I look in the mirror I get to talk with that part of me. It sounds like madman talk and it probably is, talking to the mirror and feeling the mirror swear back at you telling that you should just die already and stop bothering people. Hear the mirror say that if I love them so much I should set them free because no one needs a whiny spoiled stupid and over-sensitive brat  hanging onto them, filling their ears with her fucking idiotic talk.

I should stop ranting this is way bigger than I expected and if you actually read like 5 lines of it bless your soul and I hope you can recover from the trauma of reading a spoiled kid’s useless rant